Uh, funny story… I was shopping in San Francisco literally days before Christmas trying to get parking in the O’Farell garage smack in the middle of Union Square in really bad traffic. Of course, some one ended up cutting me off, but then THEY started honking at ME, trying to push me out of the road where I could not go. What am I supposed to assume you want me to do when I can’t go anywhere? All I could do was channel the spirits to come up with an answer and the spirits told me to stick up my middle finger and yell “FUCK YOU BITCH, WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO GO YOU ALREADY CUT ME OFF, DUMBASS!”. That’s when the black woman driving the other car without plates got out and punched me in the face through my car window full-fisted with matching gold hair, earrings, and fingernails while my ex-boyfriend did nothing (though that’s kind of what he did in the general boyfriend department). Then she got back in her car and sped off so the whole thing was completely pointless and I ended up hating black people for like a week. I think after a week, I just kinda forgot about the whole thing so now I’m “not a racist” again.

YOU KNEW I HAD TO BRING IT UP

Now we all know Nintendo Wii is coming out a week from Sunday (two days after that crazy waffle iron comes out that everyone else wants. I, of course, always have to be different and keep my kitchen appliances and my gaming devices in separate rooms.) My opinions aside, I just really don’t want to see anyone to GET BEAT DOWN NEXT WEEK. Leave the console wars to the corporations, the stockholders, and the media because the fact of the matter is, most people getting a console next week don’t deserve one (i.e.: the guys who paid a homeless man to stand in line in Japan who got mauled by the mob, Paris Hilton, and probably “Turtle” in an episode of Entourage). And if your friend gets one before you do, just take comfort in knowing a first generation will probably melt in a couple of weeks, so you can just relax and enjoy the time you have with it and your friend instead of spreading rumors about him or her out of jealous rage. It’s not healthy and we all have to remember that at the end of the day these are toys that we’re talking about.

OPTIONAL READING

If you actually want to know why I really want a Nintendo Wii, I’ll tell you why: I’m a Screamer. That means when I play videogames, I have a tendency to scream very loudly (cops came over to my friend’s house once after reports came in that the neighbors thought there was a domestic disturbance while I was playing GTA). The Nintendo Wii gives me an opportunity to yelp and squeak complete with bodily spasms without looking like I wasn’t born with enough chromosomes. Also I like cute, “girl” games, which I’m proud to say that I play because it just so happens I’M A FRIGGIN’ GIRL. So I want one, I pre-ordered one, and I will sit here patiently until I get one.